Signs of Mercy - Thanksgiving 2011

I am disappointed in myself that it takes a National Holiday to put into focus all the things that I am thankful for at this point in my life. I do have much to give thanks for. The follow are 5 Signs of Mercy and reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving. I truly believe that each of these 5 blessings are proof of God’s love for me and his mercy over my life. There’s plenty more than what's listed here, but in no particular order…

Family

  Forced Family Picture at Thanksgiving 2011

My family has seen many dark days and tough times, but I truly believe that we have entered into a new day of healing and rebuilding. I am very fortunate to still have both of my parents and my grandmother still living. God has truly shown all of us an extraordinary amount of grace. I honestly believe that both my parents are alive today only because He has answered some of my most desperate prayers. Though being part of this family has been the source of some of my deepest pains and the single most challenging experience of my life, it has also been a test of my faith that I do not regret. I have learned what it means to love and to forgive in a way that I never imagined possible. Healing and rebuilding is a process, and I am very thankful that we are all here to take part and move forward together.

Squanto Family

Squanto Staff 2011 (Where’s ANJ?!?)

If there is one thing I am certain of in this life it is this: Camp Squanto and the Family I have found there has not only saved my life, but has shaped me into the person I am today more than any other experience of my college years. It was at Squanto that I first saw people genuinely living out their Faith in ways that seemed so real and so unbelievable. I had never experienced true Christian community until I worked at Squanto, and arguably haven’t again since. Not only have my 2 summers on staff been incredible times of growth and service, but some of the best friends I will ever have were brought to me through Camp. My 3 years in college have been some of the loneliest, unstable times I have ever known. But the friends I have made at camp have brought me endless encouragement, unconditional love, and tons and tons of laughter and joy. And all this from thousands of miles away.  I would not be here without them and I am eternally grateful to have such amazing friends in my life.

Passions

Bridget and I at an Occupy Boston March!

I didn’t realize how grateful I am for the passions I feel until my friend Bridget called my attention to what a blessing it is to be so convicted and passionate in life. I was talking about how I have an inexplicable knowing that God has called me to a life of hands-on service and seeking justice for His people, but was also expressing my frustrations about feeling “stuck” completing my undergraduate education when Bridget said: “But you’re so lucky to know that. At least you know what God wants you to do.” It then occurred to me that she was 100% right: God has given me an incredible gift by sharing with me at least a little part of His plan for my life in putting these things on my heart. While I may be struggling right now to discern exactly how God would like me to move forward, I am thankful to have His righteous, compassionate Spirit leading me on in such a determined way. And I am so thankful for Bridget, both for her insight and her friendship this semester.

Singlehood

Lucy and I at Back Bay Ball 2011: Don’t need a boyfriend to have a goodtime!

This one is a little different, but trust me, I am very, very thankful to be single this Thanksgiving! I spent from Sept. 2005- Nov. 2010 being in intense, serious, committed relationships. While I do have a number of very happy memories from that time in my life, I also remember times of pain and regret. Looking back, I can see how I lost what started off as small parts of myself but ended in the total abandonment of who I was as an individual. Over the past year I have confronted heartache and allowed God to carry me through the excruciating refinement of a broken heart. Being on the better side of such an experience, I can say with complete confidence that being single really isn’t so bad after all! I am now free to grow into who I am as a daughter of God and to try and live solely according to His plans for me, rather than any plans I may have had for the continuation of a romantic relationship. I’m not suggesting it’s been fun all the time, but being single  is exactly what I am supposed to be right now and I am thankful for the opportunity to be undistracted and fully devoted.

My Story

Probably 5 or 6 years old hiking somewhere in NH, baseball hat and sweatpants- typical.

This is a tough one, but I am thankful for my story. It’s become undeniably apparent that we all have a story to tell and no two are alike. I have spent much of my life regretting the story I’ve been given. I’ve stood up to challenge after challenge and many times fallen or been pushed right back down on my face. I wasted a lot of time being angry and wishing for a different story. Most days, I still wish God had given me a “better” story, or at least one that I would perceive as easier. But I need to remember to be thankful for the story God has given me, if for no other reason than because it is uniquely mine. It is a struggle, but I am learning to trust God and to know that my entire 21 years has been a preparation for the life I will live serving Him. There’s a whole lot that hurts these days, and a whole lot more that I just don’t understand, but from now on I hope to remind myself to give thanks to God for everything: the good, the bad and the ugly. After all, it’s all in His hands now.

Poetry in Progress

Yesterday I was introduced to Listener and I can’t believe it didn't happen sooner! Listener is a “talk music” band fronted by Dan Smith that attempts to bring poetry and music together in an epic lyrical experience. Here’s what he has to say about his music: "It would be not through any filter that society or this world offers, that's honest and from the heart. Not having any agenda or some kind of ulterior motive or intention, whether it's to be cool, indie or avant-garde, none of that - and to just do it."
This is the first Listener video I watched:

I’ve been receiving a lot of positive attention and feedback for my spoken word poetry lately and I’ve been performing and competing more than I ever have before. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to write, perform and hopefully give people a little piece of myself that they can relate to. These poetic endeavors have not only reawakened my creativity and passion for performing, but also brought me into contact with people I probably never would have met otherwise. I met several women in Dorchester, MA who lead incredible non-profits that aim to inspire the youth in the area. I met Lenore and her friend: two woman visiting Boston from California who were so touched by the poetry my friend Austin and I performed at the Cantab Lounge  that they asked for our emails. I met Jesse after my reading at the *Perform Open Mic. He’s turned out to be a great friend and has introduced me to several other awesome people. One of those people was Mau, the friend who shared Listener with me which in turn gave me the inspiration I needed to start a much needed NEW PIECE! Funny how life has a way of coming full circle sometimes…

I’m about to do something I’ve never done before: I’m going to share a relatively unedited, completely unfinished poem with you! Here we go…

It’s about time we invited salt to grit in our wounds
Let it fester and ripen our skin until it’s pruned
We’ll learn to wake fragile in the face of this fervor,
wearing our Sunday Best down dirt roads leading to cliffs we’re not ready to jump off of

The dying aren’t expected to be brave about it

So we’ll sing ourselves back into the shadows
a calloused crescendo, desperate descent
knocking knees out from under each other
we tuck and roll down hills we’ll never climb back up because
we know better than to have too much fun in the filth

But we were born from the dust of the diseased and the deceased
Fell out of our mothers into the mud
Taught to walk on shattered shards from the bottles of expired pain pills
Our grandmothers ate to feel full
The only thing they ever filled was a six foot ditch of never coming back

So we learned to speak only by praying to a God who weeps every time the wind blows His seeds out to sea
He breaks too easy
and we don’t believe in anything that would call us pretty
 
So we took to wishing on the dimmest stars and dandelions with bald spots
We thought they’d listen better than the beautiful
hoped those forgotten would recognize the screaming and dry heaving of the ugly

There’s a lot more work to be done with this piece, but I think it’s off to a promising start! Now I’m going to let you in even further…here’s some photos from my pages. This is never before seen, raw, vulnerable material you’re about to look at.



Hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through my mind! Now you know how poems are made.